Allyssa Ager
Written by Allyssa, one of Auntie’s great nieces:
Growing up I didn’t have grandparents on either side but what I did have was Auntie Ruthie and Uncle Max. Auntie would watch me when I was little, we did so much together, they’d take me to the park, to church on Sundays, brunch afterwards, I’d help Uncle Max work in the yard we’d pick the plums, figs and lemons, I’d help Auntie hang the laundry on the line, I couldn’t reach so I’d hand her things to hang and help her in the kitchen as much as I could, her kitchen is my favorite place, I would sit on the stool in there and watch her. They always came to grandparents day at my elementary school, even though at the time we lived an hour away. At Christmas time Auntie and I would spend hours setting up her Christmas village in the living room. They were a huge part of my world. Auntie would always cook, her green enchiladas were my favorite, we would go to this tortilla shop and get fresh tortillas and she would always have to get more than she needed because I would eat half of them by the time we got home, they were so good.
When I was 15 my parents and I moved to Washington and when I graduated high school in 2006 Auntie Ruthie and Uncle Max flew up for my graduation, I remember Uncle Max brought his suitcase to the middle of the living room and opened it, the whole thing was lined with tortillas. We all laughed he said “my wife had to bring tortillas, she told me put them in here so I did, I asked where will I put my clothes? she said you’ll figure it out, and now all my clothes smell like tortillas.”
In Dec 2016 my husband, our kids and I made our yearly roadtrip down here to spend Christmas. We had 3 kids at the time and my then youngest, McKenzee was 2 months old, I remember being at Uncle Lloyd and Auntie Esther’s house, I have a picture of Uncle Max holding Kenzee on the couch, she started crying and he gave her to Auntie, she sat in Uncle Lloyds rocking chair and rocked her patting back her singing loo luki loo luki dun dun dun, which is what she used to sing to me when I was little. I watched her comfort my baby and I knew that was going to be a core memory. Before we headed back up to Washington we came to Auntie’s house to spend the day with her and Uncle Max like we always did when we came down. (Auntie made me green enchiladas). I always prioritize time with them. When we were saying our goodbyes Uncle Max hugged me so tight then he held my shoulders and said “Mija, we never know how much time we have left or who is going to go first, me or your Auntie, but know we love you very much and we are so proud of you.” Less than 2 months later, Uncle Max passed away. In hindsight I think part of him knew that was the last time we would see each other. The day after he passed I called the house, I can’t remember who answered the phone but I heard Auntie ask who is it? They said it’s Allyssa. She took the phone, she didn’t say anything but I could tell she was on the other end. I said hi Auntie, and she broke down she said Allyssa, my husband, he’s gone. I said I know Auntie I am so sorry. And we cried together. We didn’t say much, we just sat together on the phone mourning this incredible loss.
After that I started looking at time differently. It was no longer years or months, it was visits. And every visit was that much more meaningful because I never knew when it would be the last. Auntie has orchids in her kitchen that Uncle Max would get for her, when he passed I started getting them for her when I would visit. Spaghetti was one of her favorite meals but she said she never makes it anymore cause it’s so much food, so this last Dec my family and I were down I went and got all the things we needed and made her spaghetti, I remember I called her from the grocery store to ask her what kind of noodles she preferred, “Auntie do you want regular spaghetti noodles? Or do you like the thinner ones? She said whatever you like, the thinner ones, but whatever you like. Thin noodles it is Auntie” that was the one and only time I got to cook for her, I was in her kitchen cooking for her, she sat at the table in the kitchen and my daughter sat in the stool, I will forever cherish that memory.
Auntie was my everything, when anything would happen, bad, good or even if I was just feeling overwhelmed with life I would call her. In 2020, 4 months after having my last baby I fell down the stairs and broke my leg, I had to have surgery and was bed ridden for almost 3 months. I got extremely depressed. I would call her, she had just broken her hip 2 years prior and she would talk me through all the things, she’d tell me how to manage the stairs, things she learning from physical therapy but mostly she would tell me “Mija this too shall pass. We have a choice we can let things get us down or we can trust God and get through it. We have to keep moving. And you have to let people help you.” I would think to myself if she could find the strength in her 90s I could too. She saved me during that time. She was always my strength. She’s the strongest person I know. As time went on things got harder for her, I remember one time she told me, “people say I’m stubborn but I just don’t like to have help, I don’t want to be a burden.” I told her “Auntie, you’re never a burden, you’ve spent your life helping everyone and now they want to help you. You have to let people help you.” I understand how hard that was for her.
Even though she’s gone, she’s not gone, neither of them are. I have them everywhere, little memories, pieces of them scattered throughout our house.
(candle holders from their wedding in my living room, dish ware in my kitchen, a stuffed bear she gave me on my bed, uncle Max’s Chargers sweatshirt under my pillow, his cologne in my bathroom and his picture in my wallet).
I’ve had her Christmas village for a few years now, her and I used to set up together but the last few seasons Chris and I set it up, my kids love it. I always call her to let her know it’s up and the lights are all working.
(One of the times we drove down I snipped pieces of some of her plants from the backyard and propagated them, I have them all over my house, her giant cactus the one she got so excited about when it finally bloomed last year, part of it is by my back door, it’s actually gotten really big the last few years, she would ask how it was doing because of the weather difference in Washington we weren’t sure how it would do).
Auntie and Uncle always have been and will always be everywhere. I will miss her so much, I will miss them so much, but there’s this comfort that I feel knowing that they’re together again, I know they are, like Uncle Max would say, oh you better believe it. I know she knows how much I love her and how grateful I am for her. I told her that as often as I could. And I continue to tell her that. Her memory, their memory is eternal. In me and my kids. Their love for me, I feel it always. I’m trying to find the strength I know she’s still giving me, but it’s a little hard to find right now. I love you Auntie, thank you for everything, give Uncle Max a giant hug for me and I’ll see you guys again, oh you better believe it.